For the our next blog discussion, I’m going to turn my attention to parents and share information from my book for parents:  Money for Good Grades and Other Myths About Motivating Kids.  

This two-part blog is designed with parents in mind to offer them support as a crucial part of their child's learning journey. However much of the discussion is also transferable to teachers and student engagement. The discussion is also  beneficial to building the important relationship between parents and teachers that will always be of benefit to student outcomes.

Parents often use rewards with their kids.  Despite their popularity, are there problems with rewards? Actually, yes.  There are five negative aspects of rewards.

ONE : Rewards are Temporary.  

They simply do not work on a long-term basis. When I was working on this book, I experienced writer’s block, which rarely happens to me after 22 books.  Despite encouragement from my family and friends, a change of scenery, various attempts at different starting point, and other strategies, nothing worked.  I finally jump-started my writing by identifying a reward I wanted that I would get after wrote at least a ½ chapter.  Once I started, I was able to move forward on my own without additional rewards.  It reminded me of a fire.  Once you get a starter log going, it fans the rest of the wood to start a fire.  

A caution of note, however, if you continue to use rewards, kids’ expectations become bigger.  For example, you may start with giving him or her $1 for an A.  Over time, they want $5, then $10, and they never want it to stop.

TWO : Rewards Can Change Your Relationship With your Kids.  

Rather than a loving and caring relationship, rewards sometimes create a power structure:  you dominate your kids’ behaviors by manipulating them with bribes.  They jump through hoops for your approval via rewards, which send the message that they are not valued for who they are. 

Ultimately, the focus of your relationship is on compliance, which is facilitated by rewards and threats, and on monitoring your kids’ behaviors. 

THREE : Rewards do not address the underlying reasons for your kid’s behavior, therefore, 

you don’t solve the real problem.  

For example, if your teenager only cleans his or her room when a reward is provided, there is another issue.  Sometimes teenagers simply don’t care, others are rebelling against authority, and still others want to do what their friends are doing.

FOUR : Rewards also Undermine Intrinsic Motivation.  

[For more detail on Intrinsic Motivation : read our previous blog "INTRINSIC MOTIVATION : How Do We Motivate Someone to be Self-Motivated"] but for now, it’s important to know that intrinsic motivation comes from within your kid and is far more lasting than rewards.  The more we reward a behavior, the more we shift a kid’s motivation to something external, which takes the focus away from their internal motivation.  One of my friends had a son who loved reading before he started school.  He continued in the primary grades, becoming a voracious, enthusiastic reader.  When he started 3rd grade, his teacher introduced a program to monitor and incentivize reading.  Students read a book from an approved list and took a computer test.  They earned points, and then prizes based on their reading.  That sounds really great, doesn’t it?  For my friend’s son, however, there was a different result.  Many of the books he wanted to read were not on the approved list, or at the approved level, since he wanted to read more challenging books.  Before long, he was reading less, and continually commented he had to read the “right books to earn points”.  Over time, his interest waned, and he saw reading as just another chore.  It took several years for him to regain his love of reading.

FIVE : It’s simply more effective to find other, creative ways to encourage kids to engage in tasks.  

Ideally, your kids come up with these options on their own, rather than looking to you for ideas.  This creates ownership and reinforces the notion that they have choices and control, even though they may be doing something required by an adult.  I’ve seen kids sing or dance while vacuuming the house, find a practical reason for completing homework (such as using the information in college or in a job), or create a stronger bond with you or another family member by completing the task together.  The goal is to help your kids find ways to motivate themselves internally.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Kids value their relationships as another aspect of intrinsic motivation.  Their relationship with you is critical, but there are other relationships they value.  First, there are extended family members that make a difference in your son’s or daughter’s life.  Although I have a very close relationship with my parents, one of my deepest family connections is with my grandmother.  When I was growing up, I stayed with her and my grandfather every Friday night and Saturday.  On Friday nights, she and I would talk and do craft activities, and on Saturdays I worked in the country store she and my grandfather owned.  She took me on several trips and was someone I could always talk to.  I know she loved me unconditionally.  Although she died over 25 years ago, I often think of her, and when I’m discouraged, I remember the positive things she said to me.  Who in your extended family influences your son or daughter?  They play an important role in your kid’s motivation.

Who else does your kid value?  Usually there are other adults, such as teachers, coaches, or neighbors that they are connected with.  Their opinions matter to your son or daughter, and they can influence motivation.  My neighbor’s daughter is passionate about math, in part because a female engineer at their church noticed her interest and mentored her.  Your kids also are influenced by how they feel about their siblings, whether positive or negative.  Some kids try to imitate an older sibling; others rebel against the comparison.  You’ll need to consider that dynamic as it related to your son or daughter’s motivation.  Finally, whether we like it or not, our kids’ peers make a difference.  This can also be good or bad, and although it is important when your kid is younger, peers matter much more during the middle and high school years.  Several years ago, my niece became a cheerleader.  The impetus?  Her best friend’s participation in competitive cheerleading.  Notice that peer pressure can be extrinsic, since the pressure comes from outside your son or daughter; but it is also intrinsic because the value of connecting with peers is internal.  

ACTIVITIES:

Kids are also motivated intrinsically by different types of activities.  Of course, activities that are related to relationships or interests are critical.  For example, your daughter may want to attend a football game, not because she likes football, but because she wants to see her friends. Your son, on the other hand, may ask to attend a concert because he likes the artist’s music.  

Another aspect to consider is the type of activity your son or daughter prefers.  Some kids are more social, and they learn and grow when they are with others.  You’ve probably noticed teachers that incorporate groupwork or teaming in their instruction.  They’ve found that many students learn more effectively when working with their classmates, and they capitalize on that to improve learning.  You’ll also want to consider that some kids are more introspective.  Your son or daughter may prefer to explore their interests on their own. That is one style, and it is not necessarily better or worse than another style. 

Other kids value physical activities.  When my nephew was in kindergarten, he struggled learning words.  My sister worked with him, trying to help him memorize the words and their meanings, writing out the words, and reading stories using the words. Nothing seemed to work.  I had noticed that he was more engaged in his interests and other activities when he was physically involved in the tasks.  I talked with him, and we created a game.  He would go into the yard, draw the words in the sand, then draw an image that represented the meaning of the word.  Together, we came up with other options, such as using play-dough.  It helped him connect with his learning.

Similarly, some kids are motivated by experiences.  They want to visit a museum or go to work with an adult to learn about a topic. One of the positive aspects of technology is the ability for kids to explore places and topics virtually.  If your young daughter is interested in animals, the San Diego Zoo provides a great virtual experience.  And if your son who is in high school likes art, a visit to the Louvre is a good opportunity.  Again, some kids are different, and may prefer to learn about their interests in a more passive manner, such as reading about a topic.  

COMPETENCE:

Another aspect of value is competence, or success.  When your son or daughter doesn’t feel successful, he or she is more likely to give up or become disengaged.  

Recently, I read an advice column  
(www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/daughter-will-find-her-own-rhythm-even-if-rhythms-not-her-thing) in which a parent had a common concern.  Her daughter was very interested in becoming a member of the drill team at her high school, but coordination was not her strength. The mother wanted to know whether she should encourage or discourage the interest. The columnist’s advice:  ask neutral questions, offer options to help her daughter be successful, and love her for who she is.  She also pointed out to the mother that it wasn’t her job to tell her daughter she wouldn’t be successful; that would be the coach’s job.  I agree.  Our role is to be supportive and help kids develop competence.  When competence meets interests, our kids develop passion, and isn’t that our goal?  Helping our kids find their passion in life?

As you look to help your kids be motivated, consider what they value:  relationships, activities, and competence. 

Book: Money for Good Grades and Other Myths About Motivating Kids: Strategies for Parents and Teachers

by Barbara Blackburn

Published by Routledge

Blog: Intrinsic Motivation : How Do You Motivate Someone to Be Self-Motivated? A Two-Part Series

by Barbara Blackburn

Website Resources: For Parents Resources by Barbara Blackburn

by Barbara Blackburn

Published at barbarablackburnonline.com